I have so many emotions and thoughts running around in my head, so please forgive me if this post is kinda random and out of order. I had a hard weekend, I was alone most of the time, which left me with all of my feelings, worries, fears and the internet, not always the best combination for me. I cried a lot, which is probably something I needed. Ever since we met with the surgeon and his cardiologist last week, I've just been even more anxious. It probably has to do with the fact that March 31st is getting closer and closer and the "countdown" has begun. I'm not ready yet, but then again, I don't think I'll ever be ready, as much as I want to meet our little guy, I wish I could just keep him "safe" inside me forever. Another thing that has been bothering me is that I don't think that I have all my questions answered, although it did work out so that we were able to sit down and talk with the surgeon for longer than we thought we were going to be able too, he still had to rush off to the OR and I don't think I was done talking or asking questions. After reading Dylan's latest Echo report and talking with the Surgeon, I learned that Dylan's heart is a little worse off than I guess I thought it was. I knew that his heart was not good obviously...... but I guess I didn't really understand how bad of a case of HLHS he had. The surgeon, Dr. Lamberti, seemed to be really unhappy about the size of Dylan's Aorta, it's severely hypoplastic, along with his Mitral Valve. He told us that the usual stay after the first surgery (the Norwood) was at least 3 weeks, if there were no complications. I asked him if the size of Dylan's Aorta meant that we would be in for a longer stay than 3 weeks and more complications, and he said that if the Aorta was going to give us problems then it would happen within the first couple of days after surgery.......... I didn't know what to say, or to ask then because I guess I was still trying to take it in and understand it, but now I wanna know what he meant by that. What happens if it "gives us problems"? What exactly does that mean? What kind of problems is he talking about? Does that mean that the surgery possibly won't work for him? Does that mean extra procedures? Does that mean that he won't be a candidate for the second and third surgery and will need a whole new heart instead? I just want answers... I just want somebody to tell me that everything is going to be ok, and that Dylan is going to be ok. But I know that I can't have that. I know that there are no promises, and that anything can happen after he's born. I'm just having a hard time keeping my hope because my fears are getting in the way. I'm trying my best to stay positive and to be strong, but I'm having a really hard time with that right now.
I'm also feeling very "nesty" I guess. I'm freaking out. I know that Dylan won't be coming home right away, so I still have time to set things up and get things ready for him, but I wish I could do all of that now. I feel like I don't have and can't get anything ready. I need to put up all his clothes and stuff we got from the baby shower, but I don't even have a dresser for him yet. We still need a car seat to take him home when he's ready, but that is going to have to wait until after he's born and I can get to the store because I want to be able to pick it out myself which I can't do while I'm on bed rest. I want to pack my bag for the hospital, but I don't even have a nice enough bag to pack anything in right now, and I can't even get to the store to get any of the stuff that I need or want. There is just still so much to do, and I feel like I either can't physically do it because i'm stuck on bed rest, or I just don't really know what to do. I want to be able to get my maternity pictures done, but that involves a lot of planning, I need my hair done first, which has to involve having my hairdresser/friend come to my house to do my hair because I can't really go to the salon, and then getting permission from my doctor to even be able to do so. I'm just frustrated, and anxious, and I feel stuck. Stuck in my bed, Stuck in my head, and stuck drowning in my thoughts and emotions.
I think the reason why I was so sad this weekend was because its hard being stuck in the house while you watch everybody else go out and play. My parents celebrated their Valentines day together this weekend, they went out and did some photography and had dinner together and everything, and I wanted to go. Not on their "valentines date" ......... but I just wanted to GO ....... I wanted to go take pictures, I wanted to be outside, I wanted to have some contact with the outside world before being in the hospital for whoever know how long.
Tomorow I have two doctor's appointments. The first one is with my Perinatiologist for my weekly cervical and general check up, and then I have to head over to the Hospital to do my Non Stress Test. Which by the way, I thought that it was just going to be like when I've been in the hospital, where they hook Dylan up to a monitor and monitor his heart rate and such...... well I've been informed that it's not like that......... Apparently, they will check my amniotic fluid and everything, and then they will hook Dylan up to a monitor and I'll have this little button that I push whenever I feel him move......... and if he's not moving as much as they want him to be, then they either shock him, or do some vibrating thing on my belly to get him to move.... How mean! Poor little guy. So as much as I'm looking forward to my now 3 weekly doctors visits because that means that I can actually get out of the house........ I'm also really scared because that means that's 3 times a week that I have a chance for them to KEEP me in the hospital after my appointments, which they seem to like to do. So i'll write and update after Dylan's appointments tomorrow..... and hopefully I'll be writing from HOME!
<3
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