It's my Shower........

..... and I'll cry if I want too?   Yes, that's right. I'll cry if I want too.  My baby shower is less than a week away, but if you would have asked me last month, I would have said I was not having one. I am proud of myself for how far I have come with everything in the last month, the first month after Dylan's diagnosis of HLHS was horrible for me.  Don't get me wrong........ it is STILL horrible, I still wake up every morning with a little tear in my eye wishing this was all just a bad dream and that none of this was really happening ...... but I am finding new strength inside myself, and within others, and finding ways to push forward. 

After Dylan's diagnosis, I was angry, I was hurt, I was terrified, I kept blaming myself for him being "sick", and then when I was admitted to the hospital 2 days later due to pre-term contractions and my cervix shortening at only 24 weeks, I had almost no hope in my heart that I was ever going to be able to bring my baby boy home.  I wanted to prepare myself for the worst in hopes that it would help ease the pain if I lost him, that meant no longer wanting a baby shower or buying things for Dylan anymore,  it was hard looking at the clothes I had already bought him knowing that he may never get to wear them, I didn't want anybody buying him anything and having it at the house and around me if I had to come home from the hospital without my baby, his little kicks and elbow jabs no longer brought a smile to my face, instead it brought tears to my eyes and a pain in my heart .................  this wasn't fair....... I was angry, very angry. Why was this happening to me?  To Joe?  to my baby boy?  I have seen my sister have four amazing little babies, and I was so excited to be having my first baby...... I was excited to be able to hold him close and bond with him and nurse him in the hospital like I've seen my sister do. I was so excited thinking about taking him home a few days later, and having our friends and family over soon after to meet him.  I was so excited thinking about the bond that he was going to have with his two older sisters, and all of his little cousins, and the play dates that he would have with my friend Heidi's son since they will only be about two weeks apart......  But on December 6th ( date of diagnosis) , ALL of that changed.  I was angry that everything that I knew about what it's like to have a new baby and to bring them home from the hospital was not my reality anymore, all of those things that I was so excited for were no longer options for us.  I'm not going to be able to hold Dylan and bond with Dylan in the hospital like I wanted too, I'm not going to be able to bring him home in the newborn outfit that I had already bought for his first trip home, I may never get to nurse him, my friends and family are going to have to wait longer to meet him than I wanted them too, and I think one of the things I was the most angry about is that I am terrified and I don't know what to do....... I was angry that not only do I have to deal with all of the emotions, and the fears about becoming a mother for the first time ever, and not knowing if I'm strong enough to take care of a healthy baby, but now I also have to worry about not knowing how to take care of a "sick" baby.  And maybe that's selfish of me to feel that way, but that was the way I felt. I started to become and feel distant from Dylan...... I didn't want to be attached to him anymore, I thought maybe it would be easier for me not to get excited about him and not to make any future plans for him, because I wasn't even sure if he was coming home with us. I thought I was doing the right thing by "preparing for the worst".  I was wrong.  It didn't make things any easier,  it made things worse for me,  I was completely depressed and being on bed rest makes it worse.  I felt like all I was doing was just waiting around for a couple of more months to have my son, just so he could die.   I'm not exactly sure how or when, or why it happened, but I snapped out of it. I guess I just needed my time to grieve and be angry and hurt and selfish.  I finally realized that the ONLY way that Dylan was going to be able to fight and have any chance of making it through this, is if I was fighting right along with him. I am his mom after all, and it's my job to teach him how to do things right?  How can I expect him to fight for his life if I've already given up?  I can't.  So here I am, fighting for his life already and bargaining with my body to just let me keep him safe for awhile longer, he's not ready to start his fight yet, he still has a little more strength to gain.... as do I.  So keep on kicking, punching, and growing in there little Dylan. Mommy LOVES to feel you move, and I'll be waiting here for you, and be right by your side when its time to fight. 

So yes.. I AM having a baby shower, I AM going to celebrate the little miracle I have growing in my tummy, and the fact that he IS coming into this world.  Whether we get to have him for a few days, weeks, months, or years, he is still our SON and his life deserves to be celebrated with yummy cake and pizza :)  and yes....... I WILL cry at the baby shower,( I've already cried about six times writing this)  so friends and family, be warned, some of them will be sad tears, but I know that most of them will be happy tears knowing that I have so many people around me that love me and that love Dylan. <3