A change of Heart

Ok....... So I first started this blog at the beginning of this month, and I haven't done anything with it since. At the time that I started it, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to do it honestly. I didn't know if I was ready to talk about my feelings, who I was ready to share them with, or who would really even care.  Since my first post, I have come a long way, I'm able to talk to more people about it, I'm able to ask for help from my friends and family, and I'm able to be excited about the little miracle I have growing inside of me right now.  Although I am so frightened about everything that is going to happen after Dylan is born, I am so excited to meet our little guy.

Since the first post, I have met with my Perinatologist who is going to be delivering Dylan, Dr. Sean Daneshmand, and he is amazing.  He is truly a very caring doctor and good at what he does. I am able to text him and email him with any questions or concerns that I have, and he gets back to me as soon as he can.  Since the first post, I have also been back in the hospital for a week, after going to my weekly appointments with Dr. D to check my cervix last week, I was told that my cervix had shortened to 2.0 ........ they worry a little when the measurement is 2.5 ...... and worry even more when its less, so it was back to the hospital for me........ they put me on magnesium to stop the contractions ........ and it worked........ but it was HELL...... for anybody who has not been on magnesium, it's a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE drug, and I would not wish that on anybody.  I was on it for two days, and was completely drugged the whole time and sick and miserable....... but i was kindly reminded by the doctors that it doesn't really matter how I feel right now........ Everything is about Dylan, and keeping him inside for as long as we can........ which I know is true...... and I would do anything for my little boy.... but I REALLY hope that I never have to be on magnesium ever every again.  They were finally able to ween me off of the Magnesium and get me back on the Nifedipine and I am now back home.... still on strict bed rest.. no getting up except for going to the restroom and for my doctors appointments.  My cervix went back up to a 2.6, but I was told that if it ever goes below a 2.0, i'll be back in the hospital until Dylan is born.

We also had another Echo done since the first post and met with the Cardiologist Dr. Fripp.
He didn't really tell us anything new, except for his atrial septum looked a little small....... he said that he doesn't see it being a problem unless it gets any smaller....... in which case, they might have to do a C-Section due to the fact that he would most likely need immediate intervention.  We have another Echo scheduled on February 9th to monitor everything and check his Atrial Septum again. Fingers crossed that it hasn't gotten any smaller!   We also managed to get an appointment to meet with the Surgeons and to tour the hospital and the NICU on the same day after his Echo.... so that is going to be a LONG day for me, but it will be nice to get it all done in one day and know a little more of what is going to happen once Dylan is born..... seeing as it's getting so close to his due date, we don't have much time to get everything done and taken care of.

Since my first post, I have started a little fundraiser selling my photography to try and come up with money to save Dylan's Cord Blood.  We have received SO much help and support through that fundraiser which is what really helped me decide that I DO want to do this blog.  It has helped me see that people really DO care about Me, and Joe, and Dylan and our family. I am so touched by all the help and support and well wishes, and the people wanting updates on how things are going with Dylan, and that is why I am going to continue to do this blog. It's easier to update everybody at once here, and I think that Dylan deserves to have his little space to document his fight and his courage and his strength that I know he will have.  I also think that I deserve a space to be able to vent and to share my feelings because that is the only way I am going to get through this. I can't keep everything bottled up, it's not healthy..... and venting and sharing my feelings this way for me is a guilt free way of doing it because I won't feel like I'm burdening anybody with my feelings since the only people who are going to be reading this blog are the people who WANT to read this blog and who WANT to know what I'm feeling and going through.

I'll try my best to keep this updated. I know that once Dylan gets here, I might not always get to post as often as I would like, and that Dylan will be my first priority, but I will try my best to keep everybody updated on his fight and his progress. <3    There might be some random posts because I have started this blog so far into my pregnancy, and about two months since the initial diagnosis of HLHS, that I don't think that I have the energy to relive those moments of denial, and anger, and emotions. All I can do now is go forward from where we are now and continue to grow stronger every day and to keep the hope that I have for my son. Those feelings of anger and fear and everything else still creep in, so I know there will be some posts about those feelings when they do........ but for the most part, I'm going to try and be strong and hopeful and continue to fight for my baby boy.

Tomorrow I have an early appointment for a 3 hour glucose test.  When I was in the hospital at 24 weeks, they did a 1 hour which I failed miserably.......... my number was at 179, so they did the 3 hour and I passed with flying colors, but Dr. D wants me to re-do the 3 hour now that I'm 31 weeks because he said they might have done the first test to early.   I'm not too worried about it, I'm sure the test will come back fine, but you never know.  I'll post the results when I get them :)

Thank you for your support and love! <3