I may be a Heart Mom..............

but I'm still Heart Stupid. I'll explain what I mean by that, but first let me tell you about our appointment yesterday.  Yesterday's appointment was for two different reason's, one was to check my cervix, and the other was a Fetal Growth Scan to make sure that Dylan is growing at the rate that he should.  They say that he's doing great and growing right on time, the estimate him to weigh 4lbs 3oz right now. Wowzers! I can't believe he'll probably be twice the size or close to it by the time I have him (hopefully) ....... the bigger, the better........ not for me..... but for him. My cervix hasn't changed much since I was last in the hospital 3 weeks ago.... it's still short at 2.5, but holding steady since it was at 2.6 when I was discharged from the hospital........ so that's good. So I still get to stay at home instead of staying in the hospital, but next week we have to start going in for NST's (Non Stress Tests) to monitor how he's doing twice a week, and I still have to see my Peri once a week for a cervical check, so that means 3 doctors appointments a week at least from now until he's born........ at least it will give me something to do instead of sitting in bed all day, I just feel bad that I have to drag somebody with me all the time, I guess I could go by myself, but seeing as I seem to have a habit of going in for a doctors appointment, and end up being admitted into the hospital, I'd rather have somebody with me, so that I'm not alone through all of this.

So here is what I mean by "Heart Stupid" .........  You would think that after getting Dylan's diagnosis and all the research I have done on HLHS and all the information that I've been given, that I would be some sort of heart expert right?  Wrong!  I just don't get it........ I've never been the best Anatomy student, and I just don't understand how the heart works,  I get the basics....... but there are all these different chambers, valves, ventricles, and veins...... It's just all really overwhelming for me.  I've had pictures drawn for me, everything explained to me and I still don't completely get it......... I probably never will.  All I know is that my little boy's heart doesn't work like it's supposed to.  I get the gist of Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome...... but I still don't understand why MY son's heart in particular doesn't work.  HLHS is a syndrome......... meaning there are many different parts of the heart that can be affected and not every baby has the same valves and veins and artery's affected.  I didn't get much information from the first Cardiologist who gave us our diagnosis because I had NO idea this kind of heart defect even existed before, and I had a hard time processing anything that was being said to me at the time...... and the second Cardiologist we saw didn't really explain much either....... or maybe I just didn't ask the right questions..... because I don't know what the right questions ARE.   I'm hoping that the surgeons might be able to better explain to me what exactly is wrong with Dylan's heart, and what they are going to need to do to make it functionable for him.  Here is what the report said from his first Echo on December 6th, 2010

1. Fetal hypoplastic left heart syndrome
2. Mitral Valve atresia and Aortic Valve atresia
3. Suspected Endocardial fibroelastosis.

So as far as I know it seems that its just his Mitral and Aortic Valves that are effected, right?  But then on our second Echo, Dr. Fripp told me that he want's to keep an eye on his Atrial Septum because it looked a little small on the scan..... he said that he doesn't see it being a real big problem unless it gets any smaller, or closes, so he wants to keep an eye on it with another Echo ( which we will have tomorrow).  He said that if it got any smaller, that I might have to have a C-Section because Dylan would need immediate intervention right after he was born.  I'm really hoping that doesn't happen.  I'm really hoping that he will be able to have at least a day or two before he really has to start fighting for his life. 

So that's where we are at right now.  Tomorrow is the big day starting at about 5:30 in the morning.  We have his Echo and meeting with the Cardiologist first thing in the morning, and then its off to meet with the Surgeon's right after, and then to tour the NICU and the hospital and everything after that.  I am having MAJOR anxiety over this right now.  I thought I would be happy about the appointments tomorrow...... that I would feel better after meeting the surgeon and being able to ask questions, and just know a lot more about whats going to happen and what to expect........ but I'm not happy........ I'm scared....... It's just making it a little to real for me right now.  It's always been real.... but this just makes it feel closer I guess ........ and I'm not ready. Before I left my doctors yesterday we scheduled each of my one week appointments up until the time Dylan is due........ and she printed it out for me ..... looking at it kind of just made it all sink in...... because there are only 7 appointments scheduled....... meaning at the most only 7 more weeks until Dylan is here, and until we have to start dealing with everything that I don't know how to deal with.  I'm ready to meet my baby boy.......... but I don't know if  I'm ready to be as strong as he needs me to be.

Thank you everybody for all of your love and support to Joe and I through this, it really means the world to us.  I don't know what we would have done without our friends and family.  Heart HUGS to everybody!!!

And remember... this week, Feb 7-14 is CHD Awareness Week!!!  Help us spread the word!! <3